I was born a ramblin' man

[dephigravity]

Yesterday started off as a pretty decent day. It being a day off work, I slept in, made a late breakfast with the family, did a few chores, played with the dogs, etc.

And even though I am fully aware that I have a stack of chibi commissions and various other challenge projects approaching their deadlines, I decided I'd like to play around with another spn_masquerade prompt.

But first, I'd try a nap. As it happened, I couldn't sleep, even though I was tired-- which is all too common for me, so I got back up to start working on my chosen prompt. But herein lies the beginning of the problem. For whatever reason-- be that the rain outside, my lack of sleep, or any multitude of factors-- I started to feel randomly sad. I tried to push through it and focus on art, but my drawing wasn't turning out anything like I wanted and even beta help wasn't making me feel it was worth anything, so I was not only sad but getting increasingly frustrated with myself... which only lead to my mood getting progressively more melancholy. And then I look back on things, and I recognize that maybe that sadness wasn't so random after all... I've had weeks of little to no sleep-- though I've had plenty the last week or so. I've found myself progressively irritable and argumentative both on social media and especially with my father. I've been eating more and more.

I am fairly sure I have some form of depression, usually triggered seasonally as I have mentioned on occasion, but truth be told I have never been formally diagnosed. I know I probably should see someone about it... but if I am being honest, talking to people, especially professionals, scares the ever living shit out of me. I am terrified of doctors, dentists, hell I was even scared of the guidance councilors in High School... I just can't bring myself to see someone or even talk to someone about it. I should probably be on anxiety and depression medication, but that requires that which I am terrified to do. It's a vicious cycle.

So here I sit again, feeling down again, hopelessness and an overall sense of worthlessness settling in, and I'm not really sure what to do about it. I guess just wallow in my own self pity; shove away my tablet for a while again, because I can't bear being frustrated with myself again and again. And then just allow the guilt of passing commitments as they continue to build up around me...

Anyway, sorry if I have seemed on edge as of late. And I'm sorry if I don't seem to worried about getting commissions done promptly. And I'm sorry if I bail on challenges. I'm just... sorry.

Comments

[chomaisky.livejournal.com]

Oh it seems like the art block season has come... I feel your pain. I've been traveling a lot these months and left several promises unfulfilled. I had 10 days to myself before the last trip, but I only drew one piece, and the rest 8 days I was like struggling in frustration. Then I turned to practice human anatomy, which of course wasn't as pleasant as drawing my own stuff.

Treat yourself with something good. Eat all you want. I think you may be pretty tired from lack of sleep, and sleep is important for creativity. I'd stay in bed all day if I didn't have so many other things to deal with.

If you want to talk about your art ideas I'm always here :)

Hope you feel better soon! <3

[dugindeep.livejournal.com]

First of all, I love you. And you're amazing to open up to it here. ♥

Second, as someone who deals with depression and anxiety, I would say that this is likely what it is, as it falls in line with a lot of how I feel when either/both are heightened. And I've been told and trained and learned that it is totally okay. A lot of the time, I feel better just acknowledging that these feelings are from the depression/anxiety so I can appropriately handle them.

Third, I'm always just a tweet or email away from chit-chatting as necessary! Whether just for fun or to talk about some of these things, feel free to reach out to me!

You're my bud! And I want you to be a happy bud! Or at least a lil happier than how you felt yesterday (because I know it's always a see saw of emotions). <33333

[blackrabbit42.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I live with two people who have depression/anxiety/mood disorders. One of them, my husband, refuses to get help. The other, my son, has medication and regularly sees a therapist. I cannot tell you how much of a difference it makes. TREMENDOUS difference. I think the key is finding the right person to talk to. So if the first one you try doesn't work, don't give up.

(((hugs))) to you.

[fiercelynormal.livejournal.com]

I think you are right that you are depressed/anxious. I know you're not comfortable with a professional yet but can your medical doctor help at all?

Either way, you know I love you and am here for you whenever you need. Do what you can and don't beat yourself up for what you can't, my love.

<33

[tebtosca.livejournal.com]

I'm with the others in saying that it's GOOD that you're opening up about it, and I think acknowledging that you might need some help from someone better trained is a good first step. Don't beat yourself up over it and so many of us have gone through the same thing (and are going through the same thing currently) so know that you have lots of love and support aimed right at you. <3

[alexisjane.livejournal.com]

Oh, Hun. I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy. It definitely sounds like you're depressed. But that's okay. Please don't feel like you should blame yourself for not being able to function right now. Maybe think of it like you've come down with the flu and you need to take some time off for a little while to get better. And don't worry about the art stuff. At the end of the day, it's just art. We may love it, but it's not like you're skipping out on performing surgery or anything. People won't mind, they will understand, I promise.

Therapy can work, so can meds, but also exercise, keeping caffeine and refined sugar to a minimum, and doing relaxation exercises when you can't sleep, can help too (I can make you a tape of the relaxtion method I use, if you want. I always figure it doesn't matter so much if I can't sleep if at least my body is resting)

But also, we're here, and we will listen if you want to talk. Sometimes writing stuff down can help. There are other outlets too, maybe something anonymous like the Samaritans? Just please know that you're not alone and you will feel better, it might not be tomorrow but you will.

You'll be okay, Hunny ♥ xxx

[ldyghst.livejournal.com]

You are an amazing and strong person. Thank you for feeling comfortable enough with us to open up about how you are feeling.

I think you are on to something with the season thing especially if it's coming in cycles.

Love you, and I'm always here is you need to chat. <3

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

SAD is real all right, don't beat yourself up about it - or anything else, really. Getting help isn't easy but maybe it's something you should steel yourself to follow through, even though the idea of it terrifies you. Is there anyone you trust enough to take you to the doctors and even go in with you? Holding hands for something like that might sound silly but if it means you do it, it's worth it.

Ask yourself - what is it, exactly, that you are scared of? What is the worst that a doctor will do? They aren't going to hurt you, and they could help. Unless wallowing is your happy place, which it doesn't sound like it is. There is no shame in asking for help when you need it.

And of course you can always come here and unburden yourself.

[deirdre-c.livejournal.com]

I have no advice. I am just here to smish you.

*smishes*

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

*hugs tight*

[peepingdru.livejournal.com]

In OZ we have an over the counter herb called St Johns Wort....it does help with mild depression...maybe enough to help you get to a doctor for "real" meds. I really hope things do improve for you...(((padas))))..xxxxxx

[pennydrdful.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Thank you for sharing it with us. You know, just a thought... if you think you need to talk to someone but the thought of seeing someone is really scary, then maybe of those call-in helplines would be a better option for you. That way you wouldn't actually have to physically see anyone, and you could hang up at any time. Zero commitment.

Regardless of how you address it, don't be too hard on yourself!

[galwithglasses.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you're feeling rough. What you are describing about how you feel sounds very much like depression....the hopelessness, messy sleep schedule, general irritation. You are most definitely not worthless. I never know how much to offer when I see someone struggling with this because everyone's path through this is different and there is more than one way of doing it successfully. I would just say that both talk therapy and meds have made a huge difference for me, especially finally finding the right meds. Unlike when I started trying to figure my stuff out, now general practitioners are familiar with treating the physical part of depression and can be a good place to start. Possibly even just a low dose of meds can help stabilize the sleep and the hopelessness cycle enough to get you the breathing room to figure out where you want to go next. I know it's scary to see a doc about this stuff. If you need to bend on ear, I'm here.

[zubeneschamali.livejournal.com]

I don't have any advice, either, but I do have some hugs. ((((you))))

[wendy.livejournal.com]

Is it bad form to link to a Buzzfeed article? Because, wow, this opened my eyes -- 13 Lies Your Depression Is Telling You.

♥

[dephigravity.livejournal.com]

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[shinyslasher.livejournal.com]

I just saw this since I am not on lj anymore. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. You are amazingly talented and genuinely sweet dude. I am working on art auction for a cat rescue right now and I kept thinking that some of this art is not even half as wonderful and inspiring as yours is, I'm so grateful our paths crossed on the internets and I get to enjoy it and your friendship. Sometimes I get art pushy but that's 'cause I'm just annoying and pushy in general. I'll try to resist. And I hope you know I'm ALWAYS here for you, to talk or whatever you need.
We all have bad times and depression tends to wait for those to rear its ugly head. I know what you mean about doctors and meds. I am, like a lot of Russians, can't imagine telling my problems to a stranger. It's one of the hardest things to overcome tbh. But sometimes you have to. Maybe start small. There are help lines you can call just to see how it is to talk to someone about whatever bothers you, you can always hang up if you feel stressed out. Most doctors have reviews online so you don't have to go into this without knowledge. I found that acupuncture and yoga help me to reduce stress immensely, especially the breathing exercises. Get as much sleep as you can, try chamomile/peppermint tea.
Commissions will wait until you feel better, no one died yet from getting their chibis a little late. Don't even worry about it. YOUR HEALTH IS MORE IMPORTANT <333

[dephigravity.livejournal.com]

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