I was born a ramblin' man

[dephigravity]

Yesterday started off as a pretty decent day. It being a day off work, I slept in, made a late breakfast with the family, did a few chores, played with the dogs, etc.

And even though I am fully aware that I have a stack of chibi commissions and various other challenge projects approaching their deadlines, I decided I'd like to play around with another spn_masquerade prompt.

But first, I'd try a nap. As it happened, I couldn't sleep, even though I was tired-- which is all too common for me, so I got back up to start working on my chosen prompt. But herein lies the beginning of the problem. For whatever reason-- be that the rain outside, my lack of sleep, or any multitude of factors-- I started to feel randomly sad. I tried to push through it and focus on art, but my drawing wasn't turning out anything like I wanted and even beta help wasn't making me feel it was worth anything, so I was not only sad but getting increasingly frustrated with myself... which only lead to my mood getting progressively more melancholy. And then I look back on things, and I recognize that maybe that sadness wasn't so random after all... I've had weeks of little to no sleep-- though I've had plenty the last week or so. I've found myself progressively irritable and argumentative both on social media and especially with my father. I've been eating more and more.

I am fairly sure I have some form of depression, usually triggered seasonally as I have mentioned on occasion, but truth be told I have never been formally diagnosed. I know I probably should see someone about it... but if I am being honest, talking to people, especially professionals, scares the ever living shit out of me. I am terrified of doctors, dentists, hell I was even scared of the guidance councilors in High School... I just can't bring myself to see someone or even talk to someone about it. I should probably be on anxiety and depression medication, but that requires that which I am terrified to do. It's a vicious cycle.

So here I sit again, feeling down again, hopelessness and an overall sense of worthlessness settling in, and I'm not really sure what to do about it. I guess just wallow in my own self pity; shove away my tablet for a while again, because I can't bear being frustrated with myself again and again. And then just allow the guilt of passing commitments as they continue to build up around me...

Anyway, sorry if I have seemed on edge as of late. And I'm sorry if I don't seem to worried about getting commissions done promptly. And I'm sorry if I bail on challenges. I'm just... sorry.

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